


There's no way you can change the rolling tide

by rollingtide



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, M/M, famous dan, non famous phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-21 02:05:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3673464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rollingtide/pseuds/rollingtide
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>”Phil threw his head back laughing. And Dan felt a huge urge to kiss him, which made him feel a little bit taken back. In his 23 years on earth he had met many gorgeous men whom he had felt attracted to. But never had he felt like he needed to kiss anyone before. And he couldn’t pinpoint what the difference with Phil was.”</p><p>or </p><p>A famous/non-famous AU where Dan is hopeless and Phil can’t make coffee for shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There's no way you can change the rolling tide

/ˈləʊnli/  
adjective (lonelier, loneliest)

One who's sad due to the lack of company.

**

Dan wasn’t lonely. Sure, sometimes spending your Saturday nights in front of the tv watching Britain’s got talent wasn’t the ideal thing to do. And he only had a handful of what could be counted as ‘real friends’. But he most definitely wasn’t lonely.

Of course he felt lonely at times. He was 23 years and the closest to sex he’d been in a year was when his brother had sex in the room besides his. And well, that’s a bit sad you might say. What are you supposed to do though? When you are world famous and everybody knows your name but no one knows anything about you. 

They knew some stuff, of course. Like that his favourite colour was crimson and that he would like to have a cat someday. But when it came to actual, important stuff, that shaped him and his personality they were completely obvious. They had no idea that his mum had gotten in to a car crash when he was 3, leaving her in the hospital for weeks. They had no idea whatsoever that he was fucking ace at blowjobs. They especially had no idea about the fact that he was gay. And that was the reason he hadn't gotten laid in one and a half years. He wasn't willing to risk some douchebag selling him out to a cheap gossip rag just so that he could get shagged. No thank you - he would rather stay celibate his whole life.

He knew how much hiding such a big part of him teared him down. How harmful it was to refuse to have a romantic connection with someone because you are too scared what people will think of you. Because you are too scared people won’t buy your album. It was a down going spiral, and he didn’t bother enough to stop it.

***

Dan had owned his flat in central London for about two years now, yet this was the third time he actually stayed there more than overnight. Since his breakthrough a few years ago his life had been all interviews and touring. And if he was in England he usually crashed at his parent’s house or spent his time in a hotel. He didn’t have time to commit to anything. Settling down didn't work in a business like his, where knowing where you would be next month was luxurious. Thus why he had had his flat already decorated when he moved in, to spare himself the work of furnishing. 

But now Dan was staying in his flat for once, and he was in desperate need of coffee. Unfortunately he was that kind of person that didn't even function before he had at least two cups of coffee, and right then, he had had none. His whole body felt fatigued and his head was throbbing. 

 

Since he never was there he hadn't had time to buy a coffee machine, no less know where the closest coffee places were. But he could feel his head almost pounding. He decided that not having an intense migraine for the rest of the day was worth maybe having a few paparazzi's swarming around him. So he quickly tore a jacket from the wobbly clothing stand beside the door. His hasty motion made the stand fall over, throwing other various pieces of outdoor clothing on to the floor. 

Dan sighed and looked down at the pile of clothes on the stone floor. He decided that there will be days when his head isn’t about to crack in half, when he will find picking clothes off the floor a more fun thing to do. (not really). Picking up one of the beanies on the top of the pile, he looked at himself in the mirror. The beanie was of a warm yellow tone, and the last time he wore it, Buzzfeed had written a whole article about it. He thought that if he was lucky he’d be able to find some shady coffee place on a backstreet where no one would recognise him. 

Just as he slammed the door shut and pulled out his keys to lock the door, he felt his phone vibrate in his back pocket. He cursed to himself, hoping that it wouldn't be about some last minute interview or some event he had to attend. He opened his phone, tapping in the code, and sighed with relief. It had just been a text from his friend, Taylor, about how INSANELY PROUD she was that he sold out madison square garden in September. Smiling to himself, he replied and began his hunt for a coffee shop. It didn't even need to be a coffee shop, it could be cheap hotel for all he cared, as long as it sold coffee. 

 

He headed down the first street he saw and turned right into some shady area. Okay, maybe not exactly ‘shady’, but it certainly wasn't the main street. On the street he caught the headline of some shitty gossip rag and cackled to himself. ‘Dan Howell and Taylor Swift seen together at the Brits, Dating?’. He snapped a quick shot of the headline and sent it to Taylor.  
‘wow ppl are thirsty these days, we just sat next to each other jfc’. 

***

After about five minutes of wandering around on some sort of backstreet, he finally caught the sight of a sign with a coffee cup on it. Next to the cup it read ‘Ben’s beans’ and he most definitely had never experienced a childbirth, but he was sure this was as magical. 

Bells jingled over his head as he opened the door, and the smell of coffee hit him like a fist in the face. Or at least so he thought, he’d never been in an actual fist fight.

The coffee place was a picturesque little room filled with old furniture and a big disk in the middle. It was dressed in earthy tones, and leather.

He took in the smell and sighed. It wasn't until he passed the desk that he noticed that there was no one in the shop. It was usually a relieving thing, easier to not have anyone recognising you. But now there weren't even a cashier there and he had no idea what to do since he usually didn’t go out like this. So he just stood there, with his arms hanging on his sides. Was he supposed to ring a bell that he was too oblivious to see or something? 

“Hello? Uh, is anyone there?” he called out after a minute or two of just standing there, waiting. He waited a few seconds and didn't get any response. 

He was about to leave until he heard a big crash coming from what most likely was the kitchen. Turning around, he spotted a man, maybe a few years older than himself, approaching him from behind the counter. His, already pale, face was stained with flour and his black hair was all messed up. The man was beautiful in all honesty. His cheekbones were high and his nose was cute. If you looked closely you could spot some freckles on his face and Dan felt like walking out of the shop right there and then. Why does have to meet the most beautiful man ever when he just wants to have a coffee and mind his own business?

“Oh, hi. God, sorry for leaving you waiting, we usually don't have s’many guest around noon and, lunch and all that. So I decided that I might as well bake something if I’m going to get paid for being here all day. And then you came in and I kind of didn't know what to do with the cookies so I kind of dropped them.” he babbled. 

“Uh, no problem?” Dan assured him. He wasn't completely sure that was the right response but he smiled a little bit and fiddled with the hem of his sweater. How do you come off flirty but yet not all flirty? he thought to himself.

“Right, right, order, so what do you want?” He asked.

“An ordi-“

“Welcome to Ben’s Beans by the way, it’s better than anywhere you've ever been”.

Dan looked at his surroundings. He was pretty sure that there would've been more people in the café if it was ‘better than anywhere he has ever been’. He still smiled though because, Christ, that was such a cheesy line.

“Yeah, uh, an ordinary coffee would be great, thanks”

“That will just be a minute!” The barista called out.  
As he was waiting for the coffee to finish, the black haired man turned around so that he was facing him. He looked at Dan with an observing expression and asked:

“Have we met before? Because I am sure that I’ve seen you somewhere before”.

Dan gulped, of course someone was going to recognise him. Of course the hot boy, well man, knew who he was. Now the man might ask for a picture, and bam, everybody will know in which area to look for him. Dan sighed and put on the best smile he could. He felt as if his head was thousands of metres under water and about to explode, and he just wanted to drink his goddamn coffee. 

Though it would be nice having a picture of the man he thought. He was attractive, and people might just assume he liked hanging out in strange neighbourhoods. Also, it would be some good advertisement for the coffee shop.

“Yeah, wouldn’t get surprised if you did.” he answered after a while.

The man looked at Dan up and down a few times, like he was looking for something that caught his eye to help him recognise. The man finally stopped at Dan’s face, and Dan took his time to survey the man. He was stunning. His cheekbones were ridiculously obvious and his black hair complemented his blue eyes perfectly. Dan speculated a while about whether if it was natural or dyed. Either way it looked soft, and Dan would love to touch it.

Both of the boys kept observing each other for quite a while. Eventually they woke up from their trance by the coffee machine making a ‘ping’, signalling that the coffee was ready. Dan sighed out of relief. Finally.

Whilst the man poured the black drink into a cup, Dan kept staring at him. When he finally put the drink in front of Dan it didn't take many seconds for him to take the first sip, making almost a bit too exaggerated moan. The hot liquid burned in his mouth, but Dan felt the headache ease at least a bit and he felt much more at peace. 

“I know who you are!” the man exclaimed out of a sudden. His blue eyes grew bigger and they filled with excitement.  
Dan took the cup away from his mouth for a few seconds to look up at the man.

“Yeah, and who am I then?” he asked, genuinely interested in if the man knew who he was.

“You are that singer kid who made that song about bookshelves and love a few years back!” he exclaimed. “How did it go? —‘Life is like a bookshelf and you were the match of my life and you were my favourite book’, and…— Yeah something like that. It was a tad bit sad, wasn’t it? It stuck out” 

“‘I used to think you didn't play an important part in my life. But then I realised that our lives are like bookshelves and you were the book that fit perfectly’ actually. Wasn't just sad, was pretentious too. That’s why all the youngsters enjoyed it, I guess”. 

“That’s right! What was your name again? I remember it being something with an H. Like Dan Howard”.

“Close catch, it’s Dan Howell”  
Dan had no idea why he kept talking to this man. But it was something to do with the fact that he was pretty fit and that he didn’t ask for a picture that made him want to stay and talk to him. Dan preferred to think that it was the lather option.  
“So, mysterious coffee boy, that listened to the top list in 2012, what is your name then?” Dan asked as he clutched his steaming mug of coffee.

The boy smiled at him.  
“Phil Lester, or I’m named Philip, but I think it sounds like a middle-aged carpenter’s name. So I always say Phil. S’makes me sound like a cool and hip guy”.

Dan snorted at the way Phil had used the word ‘hip’ to describe himself.  
“So you're not just hot, you're hot and hip. Wow, it’s like one of those ‘buy two get one for free’ offers”. 

Dan mentally cursed to himself, why had he said that? It wasn't like he usually went around calling strangers hot. Especially not guys. Dan was going to remind himself of this when he asks himself why he doesn't go out. Well, this and the fact that he was in the closet and that he desperately needed to practice some new pick up lines.

"Yup, even work at a hip factory, that's how high my level of hipness is" 

"Didn't know I was standing in front of the king of hipness, it's a pleasure to meet you, Your Majesty” Dan said and bowed awkwardly. 

Phil threw his head back laughing. And Dan felt a huge urge to kiss him, which made him feel a little bit taken back. In his 23 years on earth he had met many gorgeous men whom he had felt attracted to. But never had he felt like he needed to kiss anyone before. And he couldn’t pinpoint what the difference with Phil was.

He mentally slapped himself just for thinking it, he wasn't even in a process of coming out of the closet for god’s sake. Just thinking about kissing boys was a bad idea, and acting out on it would be an even worse idea. There was a reason his dry spell had lasted for over a year now. It was a place called the closet and it was a dark and horrible place to be in, but yet comfortable. It was like being in hell but having a cosy blanket and a pillow that made the whole thing a bit better. No, a quick wank in the shower here and there was enough to satisfy his sex drive.

They kept on chatting while Dan was drinking his coffee. The coffee was the worst he’d ever tasted, but it was could work for now. It was hot and it contained caffeine which was about what he required. Dan was almost ashamed at his low standards for coffee. 

Their conversation wasn’t about anything in particular. And he felt surprised that he managed to keep it going without making it awkward. Phil laughed at all Dan’s jokes and listened when he told a story and vice versa. Considering Dan even got in to awkward silences when he spent time with his mum, it was a miracle the conversation flowed so well.

Dan had just finished drinking his coffee (finally) when he noticed Phil putting a note in front of him. He saw that the note contained a train of numbers and looked up at the man in front of him with a bemused look. 

“This may be a bit dumb since you are like cool and big and I’m no one, but uh, you are nice and I liked our chat and stuff. So here’s my number?” Phil blushed. 

Dan kept the bewildered look on his face for a moment before his face softened and broke in to a big grin.  
“So is this something you do often?” he asked Phil.

“Giving people my number? No, not all, last person to get my number was my plumber, I think” Phil responded.

“I meant asking your customers out, but okay” Dan chuckled “and you aren’t no one, you are Phil, the king of hipness”. He took the the piece of paper in front of him and slipped it in to his front pocket. 

“Thank you, Dan Howell, man who had a number one single like two years ago”.

Dan chuckled and glanced down at his clock, only to notice that he’d been in the coffee shop for over an hour. At the same time he felt baffled that there hadn’t been any other people in there for over an hour. Which he shouldn’t be, because to be fair the coffee was shit. He knew it was time to leave and looked at Phil one last time. He took his black hair, that was cool in like ‘06. On anybody else it would've looked dumb, but it suited Phil. He was fit too, Dan had to give him that. Phil was tall, almost as tall as Dan himself, and had a lanky, thin body. He looked like the human version of 2006 and Dan had never been more attracted to a person before.

“I have to go, but it was nice meeting you, Phil” he said and smiled. He lingered with his eyes on Phil a bit in the shop before he made his way out.

***

After walking out of the coffee shop Dan had paced home at an alarming speed. As soon as he’d closed the door he sunk down on the big couch in his living room. He groaned, he was not supposed to get asked out by strangers, no less actually accept it. Not sure of what to do, he decided to call Taylor. She’d been good with advice that time he’d said he instead of she when talking about significant others in an interview. And that time he had a panic attack because he slept with a man whilst being piss drunk. And the time he wanted to move to Albany and start a new life. Heck, she made a living of writing about her life, she definitely had some advice to give him.

He tapped his finger rapidly at the coffee table in front of him as he waited for her to pick up.

“I have a problem” he sighed as soon as she answered.

Taylor stayed quiet for a while, waiting for him to continue. And when she realised he wouldn't she sighed and said  
“Mind telling me what it is?” 

“I was out buying myself coffee, you know, minding my own business. And then this beautiful, almost godlike, coffeeshop barista asks me out, and guess what I did? I fucking accepted the offer. I’m as far in the closet as I’m able to be. I fucked up this time” he explained, every word hurrying off his tongue. He was more determined to get it all right than to pronounce every syllable.

“Mhm” she said thoughtfully. “Did he just ask you out, like out of the blue, or was there some flirting leading up to it?”

Dan told her the whole story and about how Phil had recognised him. And how he had been casual about it and not at all freaked out and how pretty he was. He might've talked about how well his hair complemented his eyes for a good five minutes. And how he dyed it every 2 weeks, which was obvious since his eyebrows was a completely different colour. 

“Dan I don- Dibbles, stop! Wait, hang on a sec” she said when he’d finished talking. Then he heard a cat meowing and Taylor telling the cat to get the fuck off her leg or she’d put her in the cage again. 

“Okay, I’m back. What I was trying to say, before my beloved cat tried clawing me to death, was that I don’t see the problem in this, if you like him go out with him. I know you don’t want to come out, but Dan, the closet is weighing on you and everybody around you sees it. There is an end date on everything, and the closet has one too. You need to take the step one day.”

“But it doesn’t work that way is the thing. You know what society thinks if they see two men dining together? They are gay. And guess who currently isn’t gay according to everyone? That’s right, that happens to be me” he sighed. “And even if people don’t see us I can’t make him hide like he’s a bloody wizard hanging in the muggle world.”

Taylor stayed quiet a while before she proceed to ask “Dan, how old are you?”

“I’m 23. Which you should know, since you threw me a party.”

“And how long has it been since the last time you had actual sex with another, breathing human being?”.

“1 year and 2 months” he sighed “and by the way, that sounded a lot like I have sex with non-breathing humans, which I can confirm that I do not.”

“That’s right, you are a 23-years old man who hasn’t had sex in over a year because you are too comfortable hiding yourself. Dan, do you realise how sad that is? You are at the top of your physical, and sexual, peak and who is making use of it? Your hand.”

“But you don’t understand, I have an album coming out in 2 months, being gay would hurt my reputation so bad. It would definitely not make the goddamn album sell better, I’m sure”

“Tom Odell only went up the charts when he came out a few years ago yo-“

“Tom's fanbase is not based on teenage girls thinking they have a chance to fuck him someday though. His media image wasn’t ‘teenage heart throb who fucks everybody in his way.”

“Well, I’m just saying. You only get one life, and if you want to spend it being miserable in the closet never allowing your self to find love, sure fine. Just know people will get tired of your sad, angsty, indie songs one day, you need to live, Dan”. And with that being the last word, Taylor hung up.

Dan threw himself face down on the grey cushions beside him and groaned. God, why couldn’t people just be a bit more accepting of men attracted to dicks instead of vaginas? It wasn’t especially weird. It was just like some people liked vanilla ice cream and some liked chocolate. Just with genitals instead.

Dan didn’t even want think about the possible backlash if he came out as homosexual. No thank you, he’d spent too many sleepless night overthinking. 

He spotted his guitar lying behind the sofa, next to a big ancient Chinese vase the person decorating the flat had put there. He slung himself over the back of the sofa and got the guitar out of the black leather case. He decided to do what he does best when he wants to avoid thinking about a certain thing, write a song.

He had been writing songs since he was 14, and yet it never got easier. Dan knew a lot of words, pretentious as he was, but figuring out the right one was always a bitch. This song though, it went smoothly. He didn't do some hit-song-in-14 minutes magic. But after two hours he felt done and that was most likely a personal record for him. The words had just flowed from the tip of his pen, but the difficulty had been in deciding what emotion the song was. He didn't even know what he felt. Was he sad? Happy? Angry? Anxious? All he knew was that he was proper confused, so that was what the song became too. It had both happy and sad elements, the beat changing constantly. Naming it ‘Questions’ was perhaps a great decision because that was what the song was. A question. He would like to see it as a question to himself, was he ready to let go? Was he ready to fall in love again? But then again, his new years resolution had been to stop questioning everything. 

When he looked up from the papers his neck was straining like hell and it was pitch black outside. He couldn’t say he was especially surprised, songwriting took time. Words were so easy, yet so hard and matching them was even more difficult.

The clock on his phone showed 6pm and it was time for dinner he thought. His cooking skills were limited to a somewhat burnt toast and overcooked pasta. And he decided that ordering takeout would be a better idea for everybody. It wasn’t like it was going to make his wallet empty at least. 

*****

Dan was laying on the couch that was stood in the middle of his living room, engaged in an intense game of Crossy Road. He’d been trying to unlock the ‘Emo Goose’ and was 3 jumps away from hitting a new high score when the doorbell rang. The sound made him drop his phone on his face, and thus lose the game. Thank you, door bell.  
He launched himself off of the cushions he’d piled up under him and went on a search for his wallet. After finding it he made his way to the door and opened. Outside an acne-faced boy waited with a delicious smelling pizza in his hands.

“Extra meat pizza for Mr. Howell.”The kid looked up from the paper he was reading from and recognition smeared all over his face. “Hey, aren’t you that singer? Dan Howell?”

“Yeah?” Dan answered, though it came out more as a question. 

“Man, my girlfriend loves you, she’ll never believe me” the teenager exclaimed with wide eyes.

Dan internally cringed for every crack in the kid’s voice he heard. Puberty wasn't just horrible to go through, it was horrible to witness too.  
“Uh yeah, how much do I owe you?”. Dan’s stomach was growling and he’d rather not drag the little chit chat that was going on.

“Let me see…” the boy said looking down in his papers. “It’ll be £7.99”.

Dan stuck his hands in his pockets, looking for some spare change since he only had £10 in his wallet. In his front pocket he felt a piece of paper, he pulled it out and noticed the chain of numbers on it. Realising what it he was he took the tenner out of his wallet and gave it to the boy.

“Um, here”. He stuck the it in the delivery boy’s hand. “Keep the change” he stressed before closing the door.

Dan ate the pizza in silence with the note beside him. He kept staring at it, like it suddenly was going to transform it into a monster, or Phil, or something. Phil. After finding the note in his pocket Dan had felt a nagging feeling in his gut. It made his heart beat a little bit faster and his stomach churn. After scarfing down two slices of pizza, he decided that there wasn’t a use in even trying and closed the box in front of him. He picked up the note with Phil’s number and held it in front of him. What could go wrong? Giving someone your number doesn’t have to imply that you are going to start dating, you could still be friends. Friends have each other’s phone numbers.

Of course he knew that that wasn’t what either one of them had intended. Dan had literally said that Phil was asking him out, but he pushed the thought away as he typed Phil’s number in to his phone. After several attempts and almost sent messages he decided that ‘hey phil, it’s dan. as in coffeshop-indie-nerd-dan’ worked. Casual, but yet not douchy. After sending the text he threw his phone on to the coffee table and put the tv on. He kept on glancing nervously at his phone every third minute as if it would run a way.

When the phone finally buzzed Dan flung himself on it, only to get disappointed by a text from his manager.

From: Charlie

Hey man don’t forget you have a concert at the O2 tomorrow night (wicked!!)

Dan sighed as he threw his phone back on the table. He’d sold out the whole fucking O2 arena, and he wished he could be more happy about it. But his stomach was churning and he just wanted Phil to answer his damn text. 

Of course he thought the whole thing was insane, it was all he’d ever wished for and more. Right after Charlie had called Dan screaming that he’d sold out, he had googled to see how many people it was. 20.000 was the answer to that. Upon seeing the result, Dan had almost spit out his tea all over his computer. Because 20,000 was a lot, that might be more people than in his hometown. 

Dan had googled that too, and it wasn’t more people than in his hometown, but it’d been bloody close. He felt a little bit of excitement rush through his veins as he thought of it. 20,000 people who’d all payed to see him. 

***  
Dan was currently seated in hair and makeup, people pulling and spraying things in his hair.  
“Dan, this is the third time in a matter of 5 minutes that you glanced at your phone. You look like a 13-years old waiting for their crush to text them back” Louise, his stylist said matter-of-factly. 

Dan loved Louise, he really did, with her big and charming personality and dyed, pink hair it was next to impossible not to adore her. But sometimes she was a proper pain in the arse with no sense of respect for his privacy. Though Dan doesn’t know why she should respect his privacy if he was going to be honest. Since she was the one who’d had to hear him moan about his non-existent love life for over 2 years now. He decided to not answer her question and instead looked at himself in the mirror in front of him. His cheeks were tinted red and he was frowning.

“Oh my god you are!” Louise exclaimed “you are so blushing, oh my god. What is his name?”

Seeing as there was no reason not to tell her. And the fact that she could fuck his hair up in a second if she just so wanted to, he mumbled Phil’s name.

“Don’t mumble, spit it out, you little shit” Louise jokingly scolded him.

“His name is Phil” Dan said, this time a little bit louder. He felt his cheeks heating up once again and he looked down so that she wouldn’t notice.

“Aaaw, Danny has a crush” she gushed and patted his cheek. “Now tell me, how did you meet this mysterious Phil?” 

Dan playfully smacked her for pinching his cheek before answering.  
“I was out getting coffee y’know, cause I have no idea how to work a coffee machine. And he was just kind of working at this coffee place down the street from my flat. We chit-chatted a bit, and when I was on my way out he gave me his number”.

“Oooh, a coffee man. Knowing you, that’s the only trait your future partner needs. Well, that and a cock of course”

“His coffee was quite rubbish if I’m going to be honest, and I didn’t exactly get a chance to see his willy. But he was nice and he existed, and that’s more than my last boyfriend ever did”

Dan’s comment gave Louise a sad expression and she was just about to say something back when a man opened the door and interrupted.

“Five minutes ’til the concert starts, better go get in position” he announced.  
Dan nodded and got up from the black leather chair he sat on. Before walking out of the room Louise gave Dan one of her enormous Louise-hugs and said:  
“You still coming over for dinner with me and Darcy on Sunday?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world” Dan answered with a smile before giving Louise a final, big hug and walking out of the room.

****

He looked out over the big ocean of people, and felt his face split in to a huge grin. His songs may be a bit hard to sing since they carried so much emotion and memories. Breakdowns at 2am in some shitty tourbus, falling in love, accepting his own sexuality. There were a lot of hard memories in the songs. But having 20,000 people there to support you as you sing them, it makes it easier. It makes the songs feel happier. 

It’d been scary at the start, having people screaming at you as you sing, but nowadays he fed on it. Hearing the screams, seeing the signs, having all the lights focused on you, it was his own personal heroin. Dan had never been the one to be the centre of attention and had always preferred to keep a low profile. But there was something about the thrill of thousands of people paying loads of money just to see you that he loved. Having your guitar and a microphone and just doing your thing.

He’d had his big breakthrough two years prior with his song “Book pages.” It had debuted as #1 on the charts, and it’d stayed there for a solid three weeks. Most of the critics back then had called him ‘2012’s one hit wonder’. And everybody had been doubting that they’d get to see him on the charts ever again. But here he was, 2 years later, the first single of his upcoming album at number 2 on the charts. His album was going to launch in two months and so far everything was looking completely perfect. Thousands of people had already pre-ordered it, and the critiques were predicting it to be the best selling album of 2015. 3 months after releasing his album he was going on a headlining tour all over Europe, and the US, if the tickets sold good. So, yeah, the people saying they’d never see him again could piss off.

After finishing the set list he immediately ran in to his dressing room to check his text messages. He nervously waited for the app to load, tapping on the floor with his foot as he did. Eventually the app loaded and a notification popped up

New text from: Phil.

Besides Phil's name he had put a coffee emoji to symbolise their first, and most recent meeting. Dan felt as his face was going to break from him smiling so big.

“Lover boy text you back?” Louise asked from the corner where she was sitting on a beanbag.  
Dan nodded furiously and opened the text. 

Heey ^^ sry for texting back so late, I forgot my phone in the car ://

Dan sighed because leaving your phone in your car is almost as if you're asking for your car window to get smashed and your phone to get stolen. And that was exactly what he texted Phil. 

But it didn’t get stolen, because I’m texting you now

Are you half leprechaun or something? Because you seem awful lucky to me

Nope i’m from a small village up the north. Lots of sheep and farmers u know the deal

They kept on texting like that, getting to know each other a bit. For example Phil now knew about about Dan’s genuine obsession with the song ‘Lady Marmalade’ as a kid. And the time he’d showed his great grandma the music video for the song because he was just so darn passionate about it. In response to that Phil had said that he ‘actually loled’ and told Dan about his street gang - The Kool Katz. The conversation flew surprisingly well until Phil announced that he had to go to bed since it was pretty late.

Have to go bed now, some of us peasants have to get up early to work. Any chance you may be able to stop by the shop?

Dan looked at the clock that he had on his phone which showed 11.38pm and realised that he perhaps should go to bed too.

Have some promo work tmrw but I might be able to squeeze you in to my schedule, the life of a pop star you know

Alrighty! good night then, don’t let the bedbugs bite!

Dan shut off the phone and groaned because he had met this boy one time and he already felt butterflies at the thought of him.

***  
Turns out Dan didn’t have time to squeeze Phil in to his schedule the next day. Charlie had told him that he just ‘Had some minor promo work’, which had turned out to be six interviews that each took almost 40 minutes. By the time he got off, the clock showed 5pm and he doubted Phil still worked by then. 

Soz for not coming by today, the interviews took foreeeeeeever

It’s ok!! Work sucks sometimes :///  
I’m making dinner right now, you could come over if u want to??

Dan stared at the texts for a few seconds. Dinner with Phil? After making a quick list of pros and cons he decided that none of them had been especially flirty whilst texting yesterday. So it didn't have to be a date. For all he knows Phil may invite all his super straight friends, that he’d talked about asking out, over for dinner. It could be his thing. Not that Dan was especially straight. Or masculine either for that part. 

yea sure text me ur address and ill come over

 

****

 

As Dan stood outside Phil’s door he felt his hands sweating. What if the invitation wasn’t meant for him? God, he brought wine, was that just a thing you did on dates? God it was a date, wasn’t it? His thoughts got interrupted by Phil slamming the door open in front of him.  
“Hi” Phil exclaimed, eyes traveling down to the bottle in Dan’s hand. “You brought wine!” he declared.  
“Yeah, I hope it isn’t too much? It was either that or flowers and, well, wine felt a little bit more useful” Dan said.  
“No not at all. Come in by the way, it must be freezing out there”.  
Dan nodded and entered the apartment. It was early February and it was, indeed, freezing.

Phil’s place was surprisingly big, and Dan felt a little bad about not believing it was beforehand. It was just that Phil was a barista at a shitty coffee place, and well, you don’t make a lot of money from that. Unfortunately Dan knew that because of experience. 

It took a while to notice, but just as Dan’s hung his own coat up he noticed that Phil was wearing an apron that said “Sheep = happiness”. And that it smelled like food and that his stomach was growling. But mainly the apron.

Dan snorted, eyeing Phil’s apron.  
“I know you love your sheep up in the north, but seriously?” he joked.

Phil looked disorganised for a moment before he glanced down on his apron and understood it.  
“Oh! No, it was just a weird present from my brother” he says. “I’m terrified of sheep, fluffy little Devils with wool, those are”.

“What have sheep ever done to make you despise them so much?” Dan laughed.

“I was five and the sheep in the children’s zoo shoved me on the ground, it was all traumatic”. Phil looked Dan dead serious in the eyes before breaking out in to a quiet little giggle. 

Dan noticed Phil’s tongue peaking out on the side whilst doing so, and well. If Dan didn’t know he had a stupid crush on the man before, he knew now.

Phil started walking further in to the flat, towards what Dan guessed was the kitchen. While walking through the apartment Dan took some time to observe the place. There was little action figures and posters everywhere. A Pokémon plushie by the fireplace, and Dan swore he could spot a dvd box of Tokyo Ghoul by the TV. At least Phil had taste.

***

“This is delicious, Phil” Dan said after taking a few bites.  
Phil had made spaghetti with a tomato and mushroom sauce. And the boy knew his mushrooms.  
“Your mushrooms are literally better cooked than some of the mushrooms I have gotten at five star restaurants”.

“My mum thought it was important to know how to cook, so I’ve been cooking since I was five” Phil explained, his cheeks turning red.

Dan took another sip of red wine and looked at his surroundings. He spotted even more anime action figures and weird posters. He also noticed that even though his furniture was in all sorts of shapes and colours, all walls were plain white. Weird, Dan thought.  
“How come a barista can afford a place this big?” He asked.

“I have a masters degree in film editing, so I do some of that on my spare time” Phil answered. “It pays the bills, at least”.

“Wait, so you do like movies and stuff?”. Dan wasn’t certain what a masters degree in film editing was. Or how you got it. He guessed that you edited films.

“No, not really. I help people on youtube edit their videos. Uh, some of them have like millions of subscribers and they need well edited videos. So well, I make their videos well edited” Phil answered and hoped that Dan would understand.

Dan was just about to answer something in the style of - that is so cool, Phil! - when he heard a meow coming from behind him. Dan snapped his head in the direction of the sound, feeling his neck cracking whilst doing so, only to meet a pair of green eyes. The eyes belonged to a fluffy little grey thing that looked like a cat. Well, ‘little’ might’ve been an exaggeration, because the thing was huge. 

“Meow” the cat repeated. 

Dan looked over at Phil, giving him a questioning look.  
“I sincerely hope that this is your cat”.

Phil, who previously was staring at the cat, motioning it to come to him, looked up at Dan. And he started giggling, he fucking giggled.  
“Oh my god of course she is. This is Madonna” he explained and pointed at the cat. “You aren’t allergic are you?” he asked with a sudden worried expression on his face.

“No, no, not at all. I'm not allergic to anything, I’m perfect. Or should I say purrfect?” he joked and sighed. He was sure this was one of those moments he would cringe about in a year or two. God, who even says that besides old ladies with like 14 cats? No one. No one says that. (That was actually a lie because Dan had a whole folder on his phone filled with dumb cat memes from Taylor. But she was an old lady with 14 cats in the body of a young woman with 2 cats body, so she didn't count).

But Phil laughed. And Dan questioned his humour because a that bad joke made him laugh that much. He’d thrown his head back and his chest was rising and falling with every laugh and it reminded Dan of a trampoline in a way. Dan made a mental note to himself to remember that and put it in a song. 

 

And the night went on like that. They talked, they drank red wine, and Madonna came to interrupt at times. Both of their cheeks were warm and rosy from drinking the wine and Dan felt the muscles in his cheeks hurting from smiling so much.  
Dan’d learnt that Phil didn’t like Madonna the singer at all, and that his best mate, whom he used to live with, had named the cat. He also learnt that Phil’s favourite band was Muse, to which Dan had squealed and excitedly asked what his favourite album was. (It was Orgin Of Symmetry). Both men’s voices had turned much more hoarse and flirty during the night, and Dan was quite certain that it was a date now. As the night went on, Phil’s black fringe moved closer and closer to a quiff shape, and Dan moved closer and closer to Phil.

And after a while they both sat there, opposite sides of the table, elbows touching the other’s, staring at each other. Dan noticed how Phil had flecks of green and yellow in his otherwise blue eyes. He also noticed that Phil’s lips looked pink and plump and super appealing. He wondered how it would feel to have them on his own. They looked soft and Phil had a little bit of stubble on his chin which made Dan have to physically restrain himself from not kissing him.

“Looks like we drank the whole bottle” Phil declared in a hoarse voice. Dan observed his lips carefully when he moved them. How they shaped in to a perfect ‘O’ when he said 'looks'. He imagined them wrapped around his dick, wet and pink and raw. 

“I’m gay” Dan blurted all of a sudden. 

The black haired man snapped out of the haze he was in before and looked over at Dan surprised. His eyebrows furrowed and his mouth was slightly curved to the left as he tried to understand why Dan had just said that.  
“And I’m bi?” Phil questioned, clearly confused by the sudden announcement. 

Dan could feel his whole face burning up and he was sure he looked like a bloody tomato. He fiddled a bit with his hands that he'd moved to his lap and tried to think of a reasonable response. But he then came to the conclusion that he’d known Phil for 2 days. And that he was very attracted to the man and that there was nothing to lose. Or at least the alcohol thought that, and that was enough. 

“I’m gay and I want to kiss you, can I?”.

Phil nodded furiously and opened his mouth slightly. Dan leaned in a and captured Phil’s lips with his own, and it was as good as he’d imagined. The black haired man’s light scruff scratched his own chin and Dan opened his mouth even more, letting Phil’s tongue in. 

“Let’s move this to the couch, shall we?” Dan suggested after realising they were both practically hanging over their, now eaten, food.  
They both made their way to the couch and didn’t hesitate a minute before they sat down and continued the snogging. It didn’t take long before Phil was on top of Dan and they were both grinding on each other. Dan could feel the blood rushing down and the friction his trousers gave him wasn’t enough. He pulled away and looked sincerely at Phil.

“Wanna suck you” he panted.  
He saw how Phil’s pupils grew and filled with lust.

“Please”.

****  
When Dan woke up that morning all he could think of was two things: 1. There was a bit over six foot man lying on top of him, causing him to not being able to breathe properly and 2. The night prior had, without doubt, been a date. And Dan felt oddly calm about it.  
His heart didn't speed up at just the mere thought of being on a date with a man, which was new. He didn’t feel like running out of the apartment, wishing Phil’d just forget him. No, all he felt like doing in that exact moment was to cook the man breakfast. And well, since Dan never whatsoever had liked cooking, that might be a little alarming. So instead of doing so he just cuddled closer to him. Dan nuzzled in to Phil’s chest and took two quiet breaths. He smelled of sex and red wine and Dan giggled to himself at the memory of the previous night. Phil had tried kissing him whilst holding a glass of wine. And as the kiss got more and more heated, Phil had forgotten about the glass in his hand, and thus spilt it all over himself. 

After a while of just lying there, Dan felt bored. His fingers itched for him to get his phone and check his notifications, but if he moved away Phil would wake up. His stomach was growling and he decided that there was no use in waiting and started kissing the other man’s torso. He worked himself up to the crook of his neck and kissed the blooming hickeys from the previous night. Phil started shuffling beneath him.

Dan pushed his black fringe away and looked at him.  
“Good morning, handsome” he said.

Phil managed to open his eyes a bit more and looked at Dan. His irises seemed to change colour and they were now almost grey with a slight hint of blue. Dan had seen a lot of beautiful things in his life, but nothing beat the blue ocean of Phil’s eyes. If he could he would, without a doubt, write a whole album just about them and nothing more. If he had to choose one way to go, drowning in Phil’s eyes would be the way to do it.  
Propping himself up on to one elbow, Phil opened his mouth, as if to say something, but all that came out was a yawn.

“Your morning breath is horrible” he whined as he looked Dan in the eyes.

If it’d been anybody else, Dan would have excused himself right away and gone to brush his teeth. He then would have spent hours worrying about that person thinking he was weird for such a silly little thing as bad morning breath. But Phil didn’t make him feel that way. Phil didn’t make him feel anxious and guilty for purely existing. He made him feel safe, on the verge to confident. It was uncanny, really. He had known this man for what? 3 days? and he already felt more comfortable with him than a lot of his so called ‘friends.’ 

So instead of panicking over his bad breath, Dan just laughed. He laughed and leaned in to capture the other man’s lips with his own. They stayed like that for a while, lazily snogging. None of them attempted to take it further, they didn’t need to. Just lying in Phil’s bed, Phil on top of him, feeling his body everywhere, was enough for Dan. He didn’t exactly get laid all the time, but he wasn’t a virgin either. He’d had more sexual partners than he could count on his fingers, three of which he had loved at the time. Yet he’d never felt closer to a person than right there with Phil. It was strange, but then again what wasn't.

****  
And they kept doing that. Dan would come over to Phil’s and they would hang out. Usually ‘hanging out’ meant fucking and eating dinner together. Or to put it simply; a date. The times they couldn't hang out due to Dan being away doing promo work for his album or Phil working, they texted all the time. There didn’t go a day when they didn't at least wish each other good morning and goodnight. You could also, more often than not, find them on Skype together. Reviewing their day, talking about tv-shows they both watched, even eating dinner together. It was a relationship, but none of the boys dared to put a label on it. Hence why Dan now was knocking on Louise’s door at the hotel they were staying at in Ireland, panicking. After a while Dan heard footsteps coming from inside her room and then a lock turning. She opened the door, looking half awake with her eyes half closed and her pyjamas still on.  
“Whaddo’ya want?” she slurred tiredly and leaned against the door frame. 

“I am in love” he stated matter of factly.  
And that was that. He was in love. Such a simple emotion, yet he had never been as scared as he was then in his life. Scared was the wrong word to describe it with, shocked was way more accurate. There wasn't a reason for him to feel shocked though. It wasn’t exactly rocket science figuring it out, he had it coming. It was just, he’d been so careful pulling the brakes before Phil. Always ending things before he even could develop feelings for people, never invested in others. Never letting others get invested in him. But he somehow forgot that there was something to stop when meeting Phil. And now, there he was, in love. 

“Mhm” she nodded, and it looked like she was trying to open her eyes a bit more. “Why don’t you come in and talk about it?”.  
He entered Louise cosy, little room, well, as cosy as a hotel room can be at least, and sat himself down on the queen sized bed. Louise was busy making him coffee so he was observing her hotel room while waiting. There wasn’t anything to take in in the room. It was identical to his own, with white walls, white sheets, a loo in the hall, and a desk right in front of the bed. The only difference was that Louise had her clothes folded in to neat piles in her suit case, whilst Dan’s was all over his room. 

The older woman proceeded closer to Dan, and as soon as he saw the steaming hot liquid in her hands he sighed. After drinking too many cups of Phil’s so called 'coffee', just seeing a cup that he hadn't brewed was like arriving in heaven. Well, maybe not that good, but non-Phil brewed coffee was amazing. 

“I’m assuming this is about Phil?” She questioned as she sat down on the soft bed beside him.  
Dan nodded and stirred his coffee in hope to make it cool down a bit.  
“Why don’t you just tell him? I hope it is not because you think he doesn't return the feelings. Because I have met the boy, and he is gone for you”.

She wasn’t wrong, and Dan wasn't dumb. He knew that there was a big chance Phil felt the same. If it had been 2009 and Dan had been 18, he might've thought there was no way in hell someone could like him back. Back then he would've written a few songs and masturbated to the sound of My Chemical Romance. But it was 2015 and he was 23, turning 24, and hormones didn't control him anymore. No, the thing he was worried about was not Phil not returning his feelings, it was Phil having to hide. He was kind of already doing that, Dan knew. But there was something in making it official that made it all much more serious. They would have to discuss what to tell every person they meet, including their parents. Phil would have to sign a nondisclosure contract that explained who and who not he could tell. He would transfer all his own dilemmas on to Phil, and that wasn’t fair. Phil didn’t deserve that. None of them did. 

“Thank you so much for reminding me about the time you two met which is a memory I’d prefer to permanently remove from my mind”. 

A few days before Dan and his team had headed up to Ireland to do some interviews, he had had a second show at the O2 arena. He and Phil had been 'hanging out' for a bit over a month and he had felt that the only logical thing to do was bring him with him. So that was what he had done, and Louise had had approximately no chill. She had shown him pictures of Dan when he was 19, and still going through puberty. Only to then tell him all the embarrassing things Dan had done in the last 5 years. Which, if you are an immensely awkward person, is a lot. It had been like introducing him to his mother, except that it was his best friend and it was worse. 

“The thing that bothers me is the freedom I take from him if we become exclusive” he told her and ran his hand through his hair. “He will have to sign a fucking contract just for being in a relationship with me. He will barely be able to tell his bloody parents. Since when is that a normal and healthy relationship?”.

“I think you are forgetting that he is a person able to make his own decisions too, Dan. If he decides to be your boyfriend he will be aware of all the cons of it, but he will also be aware of all the perks of it”. She gave him a soft look as she continued drinking her coffee. 

Louise had always been like an extra mother to him. Hugging him when he was sad, listening to his problems, lecturing him when he was being a total knob. There even was a time when she baked him cookies when he was sick. It wasn’t that Dan had a particularly bad relationship with his biological mother, he was close with her too. But as Dan had moved to London to pursue his dreams of being an artist, it was nice having some sense of familiarity with him on the road. He practically still lived with his mother, since he preferred crashing at her house. But his mother had never been the one to bake him cookies or hold him when he was sad. She had always been more of the ‘Work nine ‘til five and then come home and eat dinner with him’ type of mum, but Dan had never wished her to be anything else than that.  
Dan would almost go as far as claiming Louise (and his mum of course) to be the main reason he’s stayed so down to earth during the entire journey. Well, that and the fact that Dan has no urge whatsoever to party or be famous. But primely Louise. 

“I guess you are right” he answered. Bringing the now cold cup to his mouth to drink what was left of the coffee, he looked at his hands. There was a minor cut on his ring finger from the time Phil had insisted that Dan should chop the vegetables. It had all ended in a bleeding wound and Phil taking away Dan's permission to cook food ever. Clearly that had been an exaggeration since Phil had felt lonely without Dan's company. But Dan had to sit in the living room for a good 10 minutes before he had given in. 

He smiled at the memory and recalled that that was the night he had met Phil’s best friend, and former roommate, PJ.  
PJ was a curly headed man with a big, warm personality. Phil had, thankfully, told him Dan’s occupation before the meeting. So he didn't freak out over that.

Dan had experienced a lot of awkward silences in his life. But there was something about it happening with Phil there that made it even worse. The three men were all sitting around a circular table, sipping on their beers as they tried to make small talk. Dan wasn’t sure what PJ thought of him, and it was obvious PJ was quite nervous to be around him too. Dan put down his beer and looked at the curly-headed man and hoped he would say something. When he didn't he turned his attention to Phil, hoping he could break the ice.

“Okay I’m just going to ask, are you two boning?” Pj blurted out.  
Phil looked over at Dan with an anxious look, like ‘what the fuck are we supposed to tell him?’ and nudged his arm.  
“Yeah, yeah we are” Dan confirmed.

PJ gave them both a smug smile. “Thought so”

And the night had gone on without any awkward bits after that.

 

****

 

Two days after Dan’s chat with Louise, he finally got to fly home. Since there most likely would be paps at the airport, swarming around him like bees, he and Phil had decided to meet up at Phil’s instead. 

As soon as the black haired man opened the door Dan put the bags down and flung himself at him. With his arms wrapped around Phil’s neck he pushed him against the wall, kissing him deeply. He tucked his head in the crook of his neck and took a deep breath. There was nothing he loved more than the smell of Phil. His smell was coffee and something musky, it was home. Dan spent more nights than not at Phil's, and when he didn't he crashed at his mum's. He just couldn't bare sleeping alone in his own flat, he craved human interaction at all times.

“Missed you” he murmured as they pulled away.  
Giving him one last kiss Phil went and got his bags and closed the door.

“I made dinner” he announced when Dan finally had gotten his shoes off, after a bit of struggling. 

Dan gave him an excited look and proceeded to walk towards the kitchen. Phil was an amazing cook and there was no use in denying it. Though he really couldn't do any other chores and Dan felt surprised he managed to even live on his own. It wasn't that Phil never did his laundry or cleaned the flat, because he did. It had just always come out mis coloured or he'd gotten stuck fiddling with a newfound object mid through cleaning.

“It's homemade indian” he said after noticing Dan’s excited expression. Dan let out an over exaggerated cheer and started walking even faster to the kitchen. 

The normally plain, white kitchen was dimmed and on every free space there was a candle placed. On the table there was two bowls filled with rice and some sort of chicken dish. Phil had gone out the way to fix all this, Dan knew he couldn't continue like this. At least not keep pretending they were some sort of bro-pal-laddy sort of friends who sometimes fucked. They were dating.

He turned his attention to Phil.  
“It’s beautiful” he said , embracing the other man. He looked him deep in the eyes, once again meeting blue. He was pretty sure he’d never seen anything more beautiful.  
“Phil, what are we?” he asked, sounding almost defeated. “Because we aren’t just friends and I hope you know that too”.

“Are you asking me to be your boyfriend?” Phil asked. He was wearing a smile on his lips and staring longingly at Dan. 

“Yes. No. Kind of”. He hadn't thought of it at all. Noticing the confused look on Phil’s face he continued, “I like you, Phil, I do. I might go as far as saying I’m in love with you”. Phil took a sharp breath and Dan could feel his whole body tense. “But I am famous, and as much as I wish I wasn’t, I am. And if you haven't noticed, I’m in the closet. And I can feel myself getting more and more tired of it every day, but as it is now, I have no idea how to come out. I’m in love with you, but I would never force you in to the closet just so that you can be in a relationship with me”.

Phil looked at him with an addled expression.  
“Dan, I hope you know that I am an adult that can make my own decisions” he said.  
“And I know you are in the closet, there is a reason PJ didn’t know about you, us, until you decided to tell him. Knowing that you are mine is enough, I don't need to show you off to everybody. I don't care that you are famous, your profession shouldn't affect your private life this much”.

“You will need to sign a contract” Dan told him.

“What are you talking about?

"A contract, like who you can tell and who you can’t. What will happen if you tell someone or post a picture of us online, that kind of stuff”.

“I am fine with that, and you know why? Because you aren't that contract. You are a living, breathing person whom I happen to also be in love with you, and I don't see how I could give that up for a silly little paper. I’m sorry, Dan, but you are stuck with me for a while”. Phil took Dan’s hands in his own and squeezed them. 

“Phil, would you like to be my boyfriend?” Dan asked.

Hitting Dan on his arm he responded to the question, “Of course I will, you silly idiot”.

They both stood there in silence, only hearing the faint music Phil had put on in the background and each other’s breaths. It was peaceful like that, being in their own little bubble. Dan had several bodyguards with him all the time, yet he had never felt as safe as he did with Phil before. Suddenly, Dan’s stomach growled, ruining making both of them laugh.

“I think it’s time to eat the food” Phil laughed and let go of his hands. He then leaned closer to Dan, brushing his lips against his ear. “Can’t tear your ass in two if your stomach keeps growling like that”.

Gulping, Dan seated himself at the table and began eating the food Phil had ordered. It had become cold during the time they were talking but Dan was too hungry to even mind. And horny. But mostly hungry. 

Since Phil hadn’t made any effort to start a conversation during their dinner, Dan had remained quiet too. But as the the china on the other side of the table stopped clanging, he looked up. When he looked up he found Phil staring at him. His eyes were fixated on his lips and he felt his appetite completely disappear.

***

That was how their relationship went on. They ate, they drank, they laughed. And occasionally they fucked. It was the happiest Dan had ever been, and he swore he had never felt so safe before. Because Dan had been a lonely person. He’d spent so many years building this wall around himself, not letting anybody get a glance of the real pure Dan inside. It had felt normal at the time. Being as cynical as he was, trusting people wasn’t something he di without any problems. He needed the walls, they kept him safe, prevented him from getting hurt. But after meeting Phil, he understood. He got familiar with the feeling of belonging, knowing someone was there waiting and caring for him. For the first time he didn’t have to second think every word coming out of his mouth. For the first time in his life he felt raw, vulnerable, like he’d given Phil a loaded gun and told him ‘Shoot me’. Yet he felt how he grew as a person everyday. Every day waking up slightly better, braver, and more daring. He had never felt as powerful as he did then. 

**

All of a sudden, it had gone one and a half months, and Dan just knew it. He was ready to come out. The whole thing felt so silly, because technically he already was. When he was 15 he’d told his parents and his mum had cried and told him it was okay, everyone is different. In school he never did an announcement, but everyone just assumed. He’d never stated his sexuality for the media either, but straight until proven not and all that. 

The realisation came one day when Dan was out buying groceries. And he found himself worrying about people noticing that he had a contact in his phone called “Boyfriend <3333” . (they had both changed their contact-names to that the night they finally made it official. And were still high on the excitement of it). And it just felt like, why did he even care? Why should he care what other people thought about his relationship? Why did it matter, if he knew he would be coming home to a loving man at the end of the night? It didn’t, was the thing, it really didn’t. Realising felt as if something heavy had been lifted off his shoulders. The world didn’t belong to him, and thus it wasn’t his job to carry it.

***

When Dan came home after his trip to the grocery store Phil was sitting in the sofa. Dan wasn’t surprised at all since it was in fact was Phil’s apartment. And Dan didn’t live there. Though that didn't stop him from having a majority of his belongings there and shop for groceries for them both every week. It wasn’t Dan’s home, yet it pretty much was. 

He gave the man a chaste kiss and sat down to him on the sofa. Phil was wearing his glasses, which he only did when they were alone and Dan felt all warm just at the sight of it. The elder had pushed his fringe up so that it was styled in a quiff. And Dan knew it was because Phil had been wanting to get rid of the fringe for a while, but was too scared to. These were his favourite moments. Sitting on Phil’s cheap sofa together with messy hair and filthy clothes. Phil’s chin was rough with stubble since he hadn’t cared to shave that morning and Dan swore he had never felt so in love with the man before. He really wished that people knew he was Dan’s, knew Dan was Phil’s. He wanted the world to know that he, Dan Howell, had managed to get the world’s most beautiful and caring man in the world. Hiding didn’t appeal to him anymore, it wasn't necessary, was just exhausting. 

“Phil?” he said and nudged his side. He was positioned so that his legs were on Phil’s lap and his head resting on his shoulder. Phil hummed as a response and Dan lifted his head so that he was looking at Phil.

“I think I might be ready to, like, come out” he stated. His eyes were fixated on the other’s face just to watch his reaction. Phil, who had previously been reading, carefully put the book down and looked over at him. Laying his hands in Dan’s lap he asked “Are you sure?”.

Dan nodded, he was sure. Coming out had never been a topic that was brought up between them. Describe it as the dark lord of their relationship or whatever, but neither of them dared to. At least not Phil. Dan understood him, coming out was a sensitive thing and it couldn’t - and shouldn’t - be forced.

“Yeah, I think I am”.

Phil practically flung himself on to Dan, causing them both to fall off the sofa. He looked at Dan and peppered small kisses all over his face, and Dan was happy Phil wasn’t wearing any red lipstick.  
“I hope you are aware of how much I love you” he said between kisses. “Because it is a lot”. He pinched Dan’s hip and Dan let out a high screech and laughed.

“So you’re fine with it?” he asked.

“Of course I’m fine with it, I’m more than fine with it. I’m super fine with it, in fact”.

Dan giggled and kissed the other on the mouth, hard. He licked in to his mouth, and before he had time to blink they were grinding on each other. Letting out a moan he panted “t- take off those bloody jeans”.  
“Someone’s a bit eager tonight?” Phil smirked and started unbuttoning his jeans motioning for Dan to do the same. After a bit of pulling and fiddling, they were both lying on the carpet stark naked. They once again picked up the grinding and Dan suddenly let out a giggle. Phil gave Dan a strange look “What’s so funny all suddenly?”.

“I’m going to get insane carpet burns after this” Dan responded.

“If it weren’t for the fact that you’re insanely hot and I like your cock quite a lot, that would be such a mood killer y’know”.

***

“So coming out is a thing now?” Phil asked after they had both cleaned up. They were now both sitting just in their pants on opposite sides of the sofa, not bothering to get more clothes. It wasn't needed either. Since Phil preferred to keep the temperature of his apartment warmer than Satan’s arsehole. Said it was ‘For his bad blood circulation’. Bullshit.

“Yeah, it is, it’s happening” Dan smiled and started playing with Phil’s toes. “I was thinking maybe after the album release? Because, shit, that is in a week, and I have got a fair few interviews scheduled then”.

Phil jiggled his toes and asked “Obviously this is your choice, but why not do it before?”. He bit his lip. “I know it might affect your album sales, but why not do it kind of like Sam Smith? Just make it clear it’s about boys, tell them you’re sick of lying” he said as he continues gnawing on his lip.

Phil did have a point. Sure, the album might completely fail because of it. But it might also gain attention because of it. It would be nice not having magazines writing that his songs were about Taylor Swift.

“I don’t know, but i like the idea. I think I’m going to call Charlie and see what he can arrange”.

***

Dan squirmed in the leather chair he was sitting in as he looked at the people at his management. Immediately after he had told Phil that he was ready to come out, he had texted Charlie, asking him to arrange a meeting. So that was exactly what he had done and now Dan had over a dozen curious eyes concentrated on him.

“So I understand you are ready to come out?” Charlie, his manager, asked him. Everybody around the table where they were sat, looked even closer at him.

He took a large breath. “Yeah, I am”. 

He breathed out and observed the faces of everyone in his management. They were all giving him approving looks and nods and he sighed out of relief. He was so blessed to have a management that, in general, made the choices best for him. That allowed him to make a majority of his own decisions.

Of course he had done some bearding, and he had been seen out with girls for publicity. And it had been boring and not something he exactly wanted, but it had never put him in literal agony. No, Dan felt as if he had made mostly good decisions in his career.

“Do you have any plans or wishes how the coming out would happen?” a man Dan had only seen a couple of times questioned. 

The man, whose hair was a light shade of silver, wore a grey suit and a lighter grey button up beneath it. With that he also had a grey tie with some sort of checked print on it. Looking at him Dan had to hold in a laugh because Fifty Shades Of Grey.

 

“Preferably I would like to do it before the album is released”. Shocked looks were exchanged all around the room, his album was due in a week. “And also I would like to be the one to confirm it. I don’t want an ‘accidental’ iCloud hack or some fan taking a picture of me making out with Phil in some shitty club. I want to say it in an interview, so that there isn’t any speculation around it”.

A woman who’d previously just been sitting besides him cleared her throat and looked seriously at him. 

“Dan, you’re aware that you only have two interviews booked until then, right? And that one of them is for Shout?”.

“I know” he admitted. “But as it is for now it just feels important to me that people will know the truth about the record. I want people to see me as the person I am, and I want them to know the actual stories behind my art. I refuse to let people take it out of context and make up stories that aren’t true about it. It’s easier to prevent a storm from coming before it comes rather than during it, you know”.

Charlie nodded. “I have an idea” he announced. “Dan, you know that you are going to New York the day after tomorrow?”. 

“Yeah, I’m aware of that” he answered. Of course he knew, he would be spending three days there doing PR work until his album came out. He would be spending a whole week without Phil. And well, he could think of better ways to spend his time (like riding Phil’s dick for example).

“What if you brought Phil with you? Not that he would be interviewed, but so that he would be photographed” Charlie explained. “I could organise so that some paps could snap some pictures of you two at the airport there or here. And then the interviewer could simply bring up those photos. And you could confirm both your sexuality and your relationship”.

Dan felt a smile tugging at his lips, it wasn’t a dumb idea. He was well aware of the fact that coming out whilst being in a relationship was way better for his media image than coming out as single was. It was killing two birds with one stone, so he agreed.

***

"We're making our descent into New York” The pilot announced in the speakers. “We should be landing in about 10 minutes” he added. “Please do not remove your seatbelt until the plane has stopped at the gate”.  
Dan could feel his leg tapping on the floor beneath him out of nervousness. A warm hand replaced the chilly airplane air on his knee as if to calm him down and Dan looked up from his lap.

“Take it easy” Phil said affectionately. “It’s going to fine, okay? I promise you it will”. Moving his hand from Dan’s knee to his cheek, he looked at him and nodded. He then proceeded to close the gap between them and pull him in to a sweet, reassuring kiss. Dan answered it, but he couldn't help but to feel as if his heart was going to beat out of his chest any minute. 

It wasn’t like Dan was regretting his choice of coming out, oh hell no he was still more than sure that it was the right choice. But being screamed at by teenage girls with iPhone cameras, and dad-aged men with expensive cameras? No, no that wasn’t fun. And he guessed he should be accustomed to it all, he had been doing it for 2 years. But the thought of them seeing something as intimate as Phil made his stomach tie itself in to one big knot. And his heart race as if he was going to run a marathon. 

He wasn’t ashamed of Phil in any sense, but he had never been the one to stand at the top of the Eiffel Tower and declare his love for people. No, that was what Tom Cruise was for. It was hard to explain, Phil wasn’t his dirty little secret, but he didn't exactly want to flaunt him for the whole world to see. All he wanted was to able to do something as mundane as grocery shopping with Phil without seeing it plastered all over the first pages. To kiss him out in public without someone laying an extra eye on them. Obviously that was an unrealistic wish, he was famous no matter what his relationship status happened to be.

No, what he really wanted was an end to all the rumours and various publicity stunts. He didn't want to be seen with some unknown girl for the weekend so that he would be in the public eye. He wanted to spend his weekend with his boyfriend without every magazine speculating whether they were fucking or not. He wanted a stable life. And that was how it was going to end, stable. At least as long as Phil stayed. But Phil was something different, he was permanent. Set in stone. In it for the win. 

“Yeah” he breathed out after what must have been a few minutes. He took a grip of Phil’s hand and looked at it mindlessly whilst playing with his pale finger. “Yeah, we will be fine”.

***

When stepping out of the security control at the airport all they were met with was thunderous screams. From every side he could think of there was teenagers yelling at him to sign various body parts of theirs. And beside them, middle aged men with giant cameras directed at his face were shouting questions about the scene in front of them.  
‘Dan, who is that?’  
‘How is Taylor Swift doing?’  
‘Are you staying with her during your stay here?’  
‘Does Taylor know you are cheating on her with that man here?’

They were creative, that he couldn't deny.

He looked at Phil tensely, taking in the familiar features. Blue eyes and black hair. It didn’t made him feel calm or less nervous, but it reminded him of home and security, so it would settle for now.  
Phil was staring at him as intensely and Dan gave him a little nod and grabbed his hand. This was it.

When he stepped into view at the arrivals gate, Phil's grip on his hand tightened. The shutters went off rapidly and the flashes blinded even more. From everywhere surrounding them screams could be heard and it was worse than anything he’d ever seen. Security was shouting at everybody to “Step the fuck back” and teenagers were jumping on to them in hopes to get to him. Exasperated voices were all he heard and he couldn't make out if the frenzy he’d created was good or bad. Did everybody just want pictures of them together or did they want to rip his eyes out for being gay?

His hands were sweating so much he almost considered looking to check that they weren’t melting. And he was sure his legs were trembling beneath him. Phil made sure to give him an extra assuring squeeze as they came closer to the door and seconds later they were out. 

They were practically thrown inside a car by his security guards. And when the bags had been shuffled inside the trunk the car immediately started going. 

Dan looked at Phil for a few seconds before they both burst out laughing.  
“You’re gay, finally” Phil exclaimed and threw himself at Dan. If it had been anyone else Dan would've corrected them, because he was in fact born gay, it wasn’t a trait he gained later in life. But he knew what Phil meant, because beforehand all he’d been known as to the world was “ladyfucker, Dan Howell”. And now he was “Homosexual Howell” and it was probably as offensive but somehow it was better. Because at least it was true, and now people knew it. They were both just hugging each other and crying out of happiness. And Dan decided that that was what everybody meant when they described euphoria. Because no other word fit that moment than just euphoria.

He later realised how dumb they must have looked, staring at each other like two fools and nodding. To him it had felt like a moment of hubris, but to the rest of the people seeing them it must have looked ridiculous. 

**  
“Dan!” Taylor exclaimed when she opened the front door. Her apartment smelled of new baked cookies and the smile on her face could have worked as a substitute for the sun. Taylor’s attention then fell behind Dan, and her eyes turned extremely big and excited.

“Phil!” she cried out and slung herself on him. Dan scoffed and took a step back. Phil, on the other side, made a squeal out of shock and only returned the hug after a few awkward moments

“Taylor, personal boundaries” Dan laughed.

She let out a laugh, too, and looked at him with exaggerated disappointment in her eyes.  
“Oh shut up you dick, just because you wanna keep your bae to yourself” she said. “Oh, god, welcome in by the way” she then added and showed where they could hang their coats and other stuff. 

Dan hadn't seen Taylor in a few weeks, and considering she was one of his closest friends he was more than delighted to see her. He had only had time to visit her New York apartment three times earlier, since they both had been busy with their respective albums and careers. But he did know where the kitchen was, and that was where he was headed now, to taste some of the cookies she had baked.

While in the kitchen, the first thing Dan was met with was two cats fighting on top of the dinner table. He stood there for a moment, considering whether breaking up the fight was worth it. He then came to the conclusion that breaking up a literal cat fight would most likely just end in several scratches over his whole body. And possibly some tears. So he decided against it.

“Taylor!” he called out. “I think your cats are killing each other”.

He heard a muffled curse from what he supposed was the living room, followed by heels clicking on the hard, wooden floor, towards the kitchen, at an alarming speed.

“Mer, Dibbles, stop that right now!” she demanded as she entered. The sudden noise made both of the cats jump away from each other with terrified screeches. Taylor then proceeded to shoo both of them off the table and out of the room. 

She let out a strained breath and sat down. Her attention turned to Dan, who at this point had taken one of the cookies and started eating it and gave him a sincere look.

“So, Phil?” she started.

Dan nodded and sat down on the chair on the opposite to her.

“I get the feeling from you that he is for the long run?” she asked carefully and inspected his expression carefully.

He nodded and rested his chin on his hands.  
“Yeah, I’m getting that feeling too, I think” he said with a tiny smile on his lips.

“I’m so happy for you, you know?” she told him. “I have known you for two years and it’s so fulfilling, almost, to see you this happy. I’m so glad that you are accepting the love that you deserve, Dan. Phil is good to you”.

Dan, who was a bit taken back by this sudden declaration of support, took another bite of his cookie in order to come up with something to reply.

“Thank you” he said after I while. “We connect on this weird level, like I have never had this kind of chemistry with another person before. It’s freaky almost, how good we get on. He makes me so happy too, it just astonishes me how much he has changed my life”.

“Yeah, I think I get it” she said after a while. “Or at least I want to understand it”. 

She then changed the subject completely by saying “So, coming out?”

 

**  
Dan was currently seated backstage at Jimmy Kimmel, waiting for his turn to come on and be interviewed, and the air was buzzing. Charlie, his manager was running around checking so that everything was set and ready to go. And the rest of his team had anticipation plastered across their faces. Phil was practically sitting in Dan’s lap fiddling with his clothes and hands and Dan’s clothes and Dan’s hands. Dan had never seen Phil this nervous before. It surprised him because usually he was the one to have emotional breakdowns whilst Phil was the calm and steady one. But right then they had apparently swapped roles and Dan was calm and serene while Phil looked like he was going to cry any minute. 

Dan didn't know why he was so calm. But it probably was because just walking out with Phil’s hand in his at the airport had been his coming out in his head. Interviews he had done before. They were nothing compared to the people screaming and men taking pictures of his private life. No, interviews were staged and scripted, there was nothing unsuspected to worry about. He had done interviews before. He knew what to say and he knew that nothing of it would come as a surprise to anyone except the audience maybe. And that gave him a sense of tranquility.  
“Dan, you’re on in 5 minutes” somebody yelled. “Get ready to go on!”.

He stood up and brushed his clothes off, and Phil mirrored him. He wasn't accompanying Dan in the interview. No one really saw the meaning in hearing him talk because as of right now the importance was that Dan was in a same sex relationship. Not who he was with. 

“You can do this okay?” he said and smiled.

“I know” Dan answered, then added “what I’m uncertain about is if you are going to make it through? Are you okay?” with a laugh.

“It’s just that I now realised that people are like, going to know who I am y’know? Like my face is going to be on Jimmy Kimmel, Dan. That’s huge!” he said.

Dan understood what he meant, that would have been his first reaction too, that was his first reaction for god's sake. And he had at least got somewhat of a preparation beforehand, so he couldn't imagine how nervous Phil was. He nodded and leaned forward to peck Phil on the lips.

“I love you, okay?” he said.

Phil nodded and put a hand on his heart, as if to calm himself down. He then looked at Dan and said “I love you too”

“Dan, 30 seconds!” the person yelled again, and Dan started making his way to the door after giving Phil another quick hug.

 

When Dan walked out into the studio where the interview was going to be held, he was met with screams and cheers. There were different kinds of screams, Dan thought. There were violent screams like the ones at the airport. Those kind of screams made Dan want to curl into a little ball and escape whatever situation he was in, hence why he disliked red carpets. Then there was happy screams. Those kinds of screams were uplifting and they cheered on him. They made him feel stronger and more brave almost. 

Whilst he was walking in, his new single 'Smoke' was playing in the background.

“The forest was burning and all that was on my mind was you.

The burning trees and screaming animals didn’t even catch my attention.

Smoke filled my lungs and they only reminded me of pad thai at 4am and breathing you in.”

He waved to the audience and proceeded to go sit down in one of the grey love seats that were placed next to Jimmy’s desk. 

“So Dan, first of all, thanks for coming” Jimmy started the interview.

“Thank you for inviting me” he replied, making a gesture with is arms.

“I’m just going to put it out here, Dan” he said. “I think everybody in this studio has seen the pictures of you that were released overnight, and you owe us an explanation”.

The audience had, yet again, started cheering and screaming at him and anticipation filled the room.

“Yeah, the pictures” he started. Obviously he knew what to say, but he wasn't exactly sure how to formulate himself.

He had seen the pictures just as he woke up that morning. Waking up next to Phil and knowing that the whole world knew that Phil was his, and vice versa, had been the most relieving moment in a while. Just knowing that there was no more hiding or lying. He had put all of the cards on the table, and it couldn't feel better. (Phil might have been woken up that morning with Dan’s mouth on his dick).

“What do you want to know?” he asked. It would help him come up with a formulation if he knew what they wanted to know. Just saying ‘that’s my boyfriend’ would sound too awkward even for his taste.

“Who it is? for an example” Jimmy asked. “And why you are holding hands?”.

“Uh, so the guy is my boyfriend” he started - but was immediately interrupted by the audience screaming and gasping. Even Jimmy, who knew beforehand what was going to happen, looked taken aback by the answer.

“And we were holding hands because, well, why not? We are in a relationship after all”. He just couldn’t stop himself from adding that they in fact were in a relationship. Even though the fact was completely unnecessary since he’d just announced that they were. But it felt so good to say it; they were in a relationship and Phil was his.

When the audience, finally, had managed to calm down Jimmy turned to Dan and pretended to wipe off sweat from his forehead.

“That was a bit of a shock” he said with faked astonishment. “So, Dan, how long have you and your boyfriend been together?” Jimmy asked.

“2 months” he answered. He felt like the fucking sun in Teletubbies because his face was glowing and he knew that he was smiling wider than ever.

“That’s amazing, I’m sure everybody in here is as happy for you as I am right now” Jimmy said. “What caused you to make the decision of announcing your sexuality all of a sudden? Previously you haven’t shown any signs of liking males” he joked. And sure the joke was a bit sad, but it was also true, he had been deep in the closet beforehand. 

“I think it was Phil, my boyfriend, that gave me the strength to do it” he expounded. “Before him I haven’t had a reason to do it, and to be honest the thought barely crossed my mind. But being with him, and experiencing happy love, is what made me realise that I don’t want to live my life in a lie. I want to be happy without worrying about something this huge”.

The audience started applauding, and some of the people even went as far as standing up and wolf whistling. Dan was amazed by the reaction of the crowd, he’d never expected them to be this positive. Of course he knew there were going to be negative reactions too, that was inevitable. But he’d thought that as a whole the backlash would be worse. He had made a hasty visit on twitter that morning, and almost 70% of the things he had seen had been positive. He was completely astounded with how forgiving people wer. He was Dan Howell, for fucks sake, he was nothing but straight and apparently slept with women like they were bedsheets. And yet people understood why he hadn’t said that he was gay before, and that was astonishing. 

And he thought that, maybe he understood why he hadn’t said he was gay before either. But now he had Phil, who loved him, and that had changed his perspective on love completely. Yeah, Phil had changed the most things in his life, but he didn’t mind.


End file.
